So my roommate found his Shakespearian insult fridge magnets. Knowing that everyone reading my blog would want to be able to offend their friends and loved ones with witty remarks in Old English, I have opted to list some here for you.
Let's say, hypothetically, you meet one of your friends after they have left the gym. The perfect line is at your disposal: "Thou smell of mountain goat."
Someone you know gets a bad haircut and they are suddenly a "bolting-hutch of beastliness."
For the friend who always looks great but says they look hideous and you wish to impart a sarcastic comment, there are multiple options: "Out of my sight! Thou dost infect my eyes," "Scratching could not make it worse ... such a face as yours," "Thou cream-faced loon, where got'st thou that goose look?" and "There is not an ugly fiend of hell as thou shalt be." When talking about a third person another option is: "The tartness of his face sours ripe grapes."
When someone is in a bad mood, if they love Shakespeare they will obviously be cheered up by one of his insults, such as "Thou crusty batch of nature."
And finally, a couple general insults to throw in the bag: "Thou elvish-mark'd, abortive, rooting hog" and "Out, you green-sickness carrion!"
Now, keep in mind that everyone is a dork, and will therefore appreciate these statements at some point in time. Who wouldn't want to be insulted when done like this?! If you hear them said to you and you are offended, I have now also equipped you to defend yourself! I personally hope to hear these archaic sayings in the hallways -- it will be music to my ears. And if you wish to dismiss someone, just say "These are but wild and whirling words" and shrug it off because Shakespeare equipped us with sayings for basically EVERY situation.
Let's say, hypothetically, you meet one of your friends after they have left the gym. The perfect line is at your disposal: "Thou smell of mountain goat."
Someone you know gets a bad haircut and they are suddenly a "bolting-hutch of beastliness."
For the friend who always looks great but says they look hideous and you wish to impart a sarcastic comment, there are multiple options: "Out of my sight! Thou dost infect my eyes," "Scratching could not make it worse ... such a face as yours," "Thou cream-faced loon, where got'st thou that goose look?" and "There is not an ugly fiend of hell as thou shalt be." When talking about a third person another option is: "The tartness of his face sours ripe grapes."
When someone is in a bad mood, if they love Shakespeare they will obviously be cheered up by one of his insults, such as "Thou crusty batch of nature."
And finally, a couple general insults to throw in the bag: "Thou elvish-mark'd, abortive, rooting hog" and "Out, you green-sickness carrion!"
Now, keep in mind that everyone is a dork, and will therefore appreciate these statements at some point in time. Who wouldn't want to be insulted when done like this?! If you hear them said to you and you are offended, I have now also equipped you to defend yourself! I personally hope to hear these archaic sayings in the hallways -- it will be music to my ears. And if you wish to dismiss someone, just say "These are but wild and whirling words" and shrug it off because Shakespeare equipped us with sayings for basically EVERY situation.
"Thou crusty batch of nature." my fav.
ReplyDeleteBahaha. Well. I expect you to say it to someone then. You have my persmission to say it to me.
ReplyDelete"Thou smell of mountain goat" -- certainly catchy, but sadly a MIS-quote.
ReplyDeleteThe original line,from Henry V, Act iv, scene iv (where it is spoken by the comic character Pistol), is given below. Note that neither the word nor notion of "smell" appears. (I assume, in any case, we are to read it as a noun. Were it a verb, the proper form would have been "(thou) smellest".)
Brass, cur!
Thou damned and luxurious** mountain goat,
Offer’st me brass?
[**here having the archaic meaning: "lewd, lascivious"]